103 - between one and oneself

i am looking at a church in the distance, and i don’t think i believe in democracy. there are two million christians in lebanon, roughly thirty percent of the population, 1.95 million of them would love to see nothing more than the total annihilation of every last palestinian or shia resistance fighter. god bless you netanyahu, may you eliminate every last one of them. i don’t know if i want them to have a say in who gets to be in charge.

how many of us think between us and ourselves? sit and think between you and yourself they say in lebanon. but how many of us can do it think between us and ourselves and not fall into the trap of thinking for and of ourselves instead, going round and round in circles? how often is there really a between? how often is there a back and forth? a back and forth requires at least one voice be in disagreement, a circle requires only a single voice and an agreed upon direction. either can approach a truth, but the latter is most likely to only ever approach its own. do they dwell in the space between them and themselves? they speak amongst themselves in a single voice, always moving in an agreed upon direction.

i’m home alone on the balcony, beautiful reader, my new home, athena’s home, looking at the church in the distance, listening to the cars going up and down the highway, breathing the crisp and sunkissed ehden air. daddy has gone to the square to see friends and play with his new drone and athena has gone to see her cousins with their nannies. their nannies are two ethiopian girls, haimanut and ana, who work for my sister-in-law’s daughters and my father in law. ana is a nurse-maid to my ninety-year-old father-in-law most of the time, but my sister-in-law lives next door so we all kind of live between here and there. there is a lot to say about ana and haimanout, and the system that makes the arrangement of their being here possible, and the fact that they are both in their late twenties and ana has five children of her own who were taken from her by her husband before he forced her to come here for work.

i had a disgustingly human moment at the hairdresser this morning. last night when i left you, i was still holding closed that can of worms about to blow, and at the hairdresser this morning, as i sat there exchanging looks between me and myself in the mirror, the roller in my bangs, waiting for the electricity to turn back on, my mother poked me in just the right place for me to lose my grip, and the worms came gushing out. i always feel better after a good cry but i’ll feel best when the dragon lands.

there is a small church overlooking the holy valley hidden under the highway that, long ago, was a shrine to ashtarout. tomorrow athena will be baptized there, cleansed from the sins of adam and eve, mommy and daddy the animals who had to have sex to create her. so great is god that he couldn’t find a way that pleased him for us to procreate and experience pleasure. either god gets to orgasm or we do, —

beautiful reader i left you here at around five p.m. when athena came back with haimanout and ana. she was so beautiful i forgot that we were talking and i forgot to take a photo of the view for you. it is now almost one a.m. and i forgot to do my nails because we had friends coming in and out all night. hopefully i’ll remember the photo tomorrow. and hopefully i’ll have the energy in the morning to do my nails.

until then <3